Mary-Kate's Oboobtuary

Mary Kate, beloved boob of Jennifer and sister of Ashley, died on the 6th of March after surrendering in the battle against Jen's body and surgeons. 

She was 30 years old. Perky and well rounded, Mary-Kate never looked the part of a harbinger of death, a breast of burden.

Looking at her early life, she was particularly late to come out of her shell and was always known as the more conservative and sensitive of the pair. She was full of heart - a cup half full kinda gal who always kept abreast of any given situation. She managed to find her groove in her late teens and early twenties when she hit the party circuit. She encountered brief notoriety amongst the men of Cape Town and London after rumours spread of her and her sister's near perfection. 

The twins were showered with compliments and not so accidental boob grazes throughout their 20s, often making Mary-Kate shudder with the thought that too much love and attention would surely end in doom. 

And like a self-fulfilling prophecy her life was cut short when in the final months she revealed an unknown, darker side of herself. To Jennifer's dismay, Mary-Kate was led bitterly astray when cousin Tommy paid an unwelcome visit. Tommy was evil and aggressive and consumed sweet Mary-Kate like a disease.   

Asked about the loss of her old friend and recent enemy, Jennifer, blogger and future Pulitzer Prize-winning author, described Mary-Kate as a changed boob in the last days of her life. "Mary-Kate's cup ceased to be half full," Jennifer noted. Whilst Mary-Kate fought for her life, Tommy's influence had spread too far and so she bowed out, sacrificing herself for the good of both Ashley and Jennifer.

Despite Mary-Kate's untimely but necessary demise, the courageous Jennifer secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in a sublime plan or what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny. Mary-Kate's fate was sealed but she went knowing that she was loved and adored. 

So long bosom buddy, it's been swell...